I've been living until now, hoping for help from others. I lost my own family 5 years ago, and I have been living on my own since then. Without the help of my so called trustworthy friends, I manage to achieve a dream someone like me would forget about a long time ago. I furthered my studies, which I regret on this very moment. How would I know that my trust would be betrayed? All these years, I thought they were sincere in helping me, a hopeless person. Until recently I knew, I was betrayed... They accuse me of not being able to live on my own strength, in the same time saying I'm useless. All that they say, all those accusation, is as if I'm a stupid, hopeless beggar. I couldn't take anymore humiliation to myself, it's as if I was losing myself. I know I'm a poor person, hopelessly without any family to support my life, but I hate it the most when people take me as if I'm a beggar!!!!! What should I say more... Things like this happen... All this brings my head back to where I had doubts in furthering my studies. Back then, I already knew I couldn't make it through but I selfishly took the consequences and followed my hard-headed arrogant mind. Now, it clearly has backfired myself and it's already too late for regret. To take responsibility of my own acts, I have to make a choice between my dream and to live, but how could I still selfishly go for my dream when my life is at stake. It narrows my options, and I have to be able to accept my own fate. The consequences has shown that I need to take an action that I never really wanted on doing, postponing my dream, my studies. I have to leave my dream, for the sake of living. It's not what I really want, but not everyone is so fortunate in this world. There's nobody else for me to look to anymore for help. I already lost my last only option. I have to prove to them that I can live on my own, despite that I have to take it the long way of complete hardship. I rather do all this, than to be further humiliated by the one's I once trusted. Even a "beggar", has it's own pride as human being. All I hope now is that my decision is what is best for me for this time being and it wont backfire me again.
Wanna see me die??
Wanna see me die?? Well I'm not the one wants to die if that's what all of you are thinking. I just watch Coming Soon, a Thailand horror movie. For a person that has no fears for horror movies since I have too much REAL experiences, I think this movie is quite good, compared to Japanese and English horror movies. Got bored with all those similar plain styled Japanese long haired, no faced ghosts. The story line(plot) of the story is quite hard to predict, which is quite rare for me when I watch most horror movies. I never suspected that the story would end like that. It's been a long time since I've watched good horror movies. What makes the movie even better, I had to wait for four days just to download the movie using my slow internet connection just to watch it. even though the wait was long, I find it very worth it. I recommend this movie for all you horror movie fans out there. Peace.
I'm sick!!!
Yesterday, after being hard headed to myself, wanting to buy cigarettes, even in the storm, I caught a cold, but I thought it would be only temporary because of going through the heavy rain. Today showed me wrong, it got worse, worse than I thought. My flu got worse, in addition to that, I even started coughing and got a sore throat. Good thing I didn't get a high fever, or else, I would be suspected H1N1...Wont want that to happen...
Such a sleepy day...
I had two exam papers for today, grammar and computer application in TESL. I didn't sleep at all the previous night just to study grammar. I was too afraid that I couldn't answer the paper, because I haven't made any earlier preparations. Knowing that today will be a very packed day of class, I had to face the circumstances. Class started at 9am and finally ended at 7.30pm. Normally, a person that undergo something like I did would rationally gone to sleep already, but not for me.. I have a surprise birthday party to attend at 10.30pm. Hopefully after that I can straightly go to sleep. What a day...
People in my life keep leaving me one after another...
The first most important person in my life that left me was my own mother. Even though 6 years has past since, the impact is clearly until today. I've been left all alone in this world even losing my own family...Without a source of living support, I struggle to continue life despite of me lacking the knowledge of managing my own financial expenses. Despite of not losing my loved ones, I seek for my need of wanting to be loved and cared... Ever since I continued my studies, I've meet a couple of people that cared a lot about me. Particularly a final year student in my own college. She's more like a big sister to me and I love her so much...but things immediately changed only after a year. She graduated. Once again I've been left all alone... The last moments I had together with her was her convocation day, which was full of sorrow. I couldn't face the fact that she'll be leaving me forever. I won't be getting to see her again. Though she's not even my own sister, but the feeling of losing a loved one is still the same, similarly strong, strong enough to break me down, falling to the ground... But time has past on. I've been continuing my lonely life all alone... by myself... I found a person that became close to me, and she cared for me. It's surprisingly weird knowing that some people would even want to know me, but she did. So I returned the favor by caring for her. Our relationship grew close together and since she's a year younger than me, she became a younger sister to me. To me, I couldn't care for my own sisters, so, I'm returning the favor by caring for her. She often shares her problem with me, no matter if it's her personal matter or not. And I would do all my best to help and ensure her happiness. But everything has it's limits... It turned out that I'm not that significant that I thought I could be to her... Her relationship with her couple cured up. I'm happy with it, in the same time feeling the sorrowfulness gaining back on me. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, but she's slowly leaving me back, and I'm slowly parting away from her attention. I think the time has come... my job here is finished. I've done what I'm supposed to do, and go back to what I'm supposed to be...alone. Things wont stop hitting me on the back, for me not noticing the lost of another significant person in my life, my uncle, the person that cared about me since the day my father left me. The feeling of sorrow is getting worst, the grief...it's equally the same as how guilty I feel not getting the chance to apologize to him. He scolded me ignoring my own father last year, the last moment that I ever saw him. But my ego keeps telling me that no one understands what I'm going through, and why I hate my own father. Now he's gone, never coming back, leaving me in this state, sinned. What have I done to deserve all this? What have I done to be left alone? Am I fated to be alone for the rest of my life...?
People in my life keep leaving me one after another...
The first most important person in my life that left me was my own mother. Even though 6 years has past since, the impact is clearly until today. I've been left all alone in this world even losing my own family...Without a source of living support, I struggle to continue life despite of me lacking the knowledge of managing my own financial expenses. Despite of not losing my loved ones, I seek for my need of wanting to be loved and cared... Ever since I continued my studies, I've meet a couple of people that cared a lot about me. Particularly a final year student in my own college. She's more like a big sister to me and I love her so much...but things immediately changed only after a year. She graduated. Once again I've been left all alone... The last moments I had together with her was her convocation day, which was full of sorrow. I couldn't face the fact that she'll be leaving me forever. I won't be getting to see her again. Though she's not even my own sister, but the feeling of losing a loved one is still the same, similarly strong, strong enough to break me down, falling to the ground... But time has past on. I've been continuing my lonely life all alone... by myself... I found a person that became close to me, and she cared for me. It's surprisingly weird knowing that some people would even want to know me, but she did. So I returned the favor by caring for her. Our relationship grew close together and since she's a year younger than me, she became a younger sister to me. To me, I couldn't care for my own sisters, so, I'm returning the favor by caring for her. She often shares her problem with me, no matter if it's her personal matter or not. And I would do all my best to help and ensure her happiness. But everything has it's limits... It turned out that I'm not that significant that I thought I could be to her... Her relationship with her couple cured up. I'm happy with it, in the same time feeling the sorrowfulness gaining back on me. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, but she's slowly leaving me back, and I'm slowly parting away from her attention. I think the time has come... my job here is finished. I've done what I'm supposed to do, and go back to what I'm supposed to be...alone. Things wont stop hitting me on the back, for me not noticing the lost of another significant person in my life, my uncle, the person that cared about me since the day my father left me. The feeling of sorrow is getting worst, the grief...it's equally the same as how guilty I feel not getting the chance to apologize to him. He scolded me ignoring my own father last year, the last moment that I ever saw him. But my ego keeps telling me that no one understands what I'm going through, and why I hate my own father. Now he's gone, never coming back, leaving me in this state, sinned. What have I done to deserve all this? What have I done to be left alone? Am I fated to be alone for the rest of my life...?
What? I think I lost my whole sunday...
Oh my god...what a super tiring day was it today. Woke up at 11.15am when I was supposed to attend an assignment meeting at 11am, undergoing a bit of a talk and straight to producing our products. Just had enough time to puff a piece of cigarette before proceeding with selling at three different colleges including mine. We finished the third, which is 4 times larger than mine, it was already 4pm. We were too exhausted at that time but we did get a chance to make ourselves "shisha", before going into an amazingly 2 hours sleep until 7. Hurried back to my college, counted our income, took a bath and straight out for dinner. And here I am, back in front of my beloved laptop, doing what I know best. I seriously don't feel that there is a Sunday for me this week, being in a very packed and busy state. It's like suddenly tomorrow class is starting and I didn't even get time to rest at all. Sigh...
Relationships...good or bad?
Relationships are about give and take, that's what most people say. I'm sure everyone want's to take really good care of their partner's feelings, but what about our own feelings? What if our partner limits our range for having friendship with other people, especially with the opposite sex. How far should I cover up this feeling of uneasiness just to care about her feelings, when deep inside I'm suffering?
People....
I've been caught in a conflict between my time management and group assignment for basic entrepreneur subject. I just can't stand people that don't understand that other people also have their own life. Why must they call me 30 minutes before holding a meeting when I'm already preparing for another plan? Do they think I'm the kind of person that only stays in my room and study 24/7? They should consider that other people have their own plans and inform meeting earlier so that others may adjust their plans easier. Well, this is just the second meeting for the assignment. I really hope that this wont happen again in our future meetings.
Oh my God...I've been to busy lately to post...
It's quite hard, being in a place where you need to join so called activities of your own choice to join. It's not that I care more the less in staying in the place, but sometimes it creates a dilemma where social demands come in account. This worries me as much as it worries me regarding my studies. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just I make a choice of my own? Anyway, debate trainings twice every week are also exhausting me, plus with studies and assignments, but it's what I plan to give full commitment into to ensure my stay here. I simply have no choice, it's either take it or leave it. I don't really have a choice don't I?
So short yet so long..
I already spent half of my semester break, which is 2 month, with 2 weeks organizing a program at college and the other 2 weeks at my aunt's place. Now, here I am, back at my hometown in penang, not having anything to do except sleep, sleep, and sleep. My bike's road tax died a month before and I haven't the time to renew it. So here I am, stuck in front of my laptop not knowing anything useful or fun to do. I've got bored playing my games, and most of my movies are watched. Oh my god, I still have to endure a whole month living like this...
Wow...Internet sure has turned so fast :D
Here in UPM, each college is provided 11mb/s wireless internet connection for each block. This is to be shared among all the students that use it, resulting it to be really slow that anyone can hardly do anything with it especially during the daytime. After the final exams had passed, students slowly go back to their hometowns, and in the end leaving only us, the committee of The Great Serdang Debate Championship. Just imagine, the 11mb/s wireless internet connection that used to be shared among students, has been abondaned for only us, a little number of students, to use it for own own. That is what that made up the title of this post. I've been continuously downloading games to be played throughout the other month of semester break. At least there is the reward for sacrificing the 1st half of my semester break ;)
The Great Serdang Debate Championship Preparation Camp
Today has entered the 5th day of the preparation camp for one of our biggest event in my college, which is an open debate championship competition where many universities from in the the country and also other countries. They come to compete their skills in debating various motions that we provide. Actually this is my first time joining from the 3 times this big event has been held since 2006. Actually, even though compared to the previous 2 events, this time we had gone through difficulties due to communication difficulties, and it resulted in many of our committee went home not knowing that the camp has been reduced to 2 weeks only instead of a whole month. Despite of the lack in numbers, we still had a great 5 days of camp. We have turned to be like a big family, cooking together and stuff. Actually there are some of the final years that I haven't talked to before, but it turned out that they are very nice people. Kak Sya turned out to be a very nice person, Kak Lin did much of the cooking here because her cooking is very nice. Kak Khairiah made us laugh when she was chopping the chicken. This is surely a moment to be remembered in my life.
The Road Not Taken...
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Have you made major choices in your life?
Money is not everything?
How far is this saying relevant? Is it wrong to say money is everything? I know it sounds greedy to say everything in life is about money, but to me, money is everything. Without money, it's impossible for me to live, weather the money is earned by myself or someone else lend it to me. Without money I couldn't survive in the university, not just for the fees, and also to eat, not mentioning books and stuff. I wouldn't even be in university without money. Not having money could lead to tons of disasters, such as what happened to me. I lost my family because of money, money made me hate my own father, money made my whole big family turn into chaos, my late mother's family doesn't like my father because of the root cause of money, and I'm the victim caught in the middle. Money is a simple basic need for one to keep on living. Don't just simply say people are greedy. Money is everything does not show someone is greedy, it just needs the look of the perspective in what the person sees money for. If one says money is money is everything to buy stuff they isn't nessesary for their living, just to get a wealthy life, that is greed. Imagine a person, saying money is everything, because he wants to obtain money to live a happy life with his future family, want enough money to ensure that his future kids wont go through all the hardship he went through in his past, and wont get married until he can ensure that all these can surely be fulfilled. Is it fair to judge him as greedy just because, to him, money is everything?
How low can life go down?
Setiap kejadian pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya...
This is a common saying everyone surely have heard... but how far is this saying true? Have you ever thought of every single event in your life, every event that has been an obstacle in your life, has a goodness in it?
Damn...A year sure is fast...
It's my second semester here in UPM, and it has come near the end of it...I wonder why I have this feeling of regret. Regretting of the time passing by so fast? Regretting how I didn't do good enough? Why am I still not satisfied? Come to think of it, I keep on flash backing on my past memories on how hard I did to get into the university, sacrificing a whole year and half working to earn money to enter. What should I do to ease this confusion in my head...
A little about myself...
Name: Mohd Ashraf bin Mohd Azhar
Age: 22
Birthplace: Akron, Ohio, USA
Location: Malaysia
Current Studies: Degree in TESL, UPM
Posts
