After such a long time, I'm back :D

I just realized that there is an android app for blogger, lol! I thought I might as well pay a visit and post something up just to try it out. Anyhow, TEACHING PRACTICE!! Omg!! Next Tuesday... Oh! I'm SO not mentally and intelectually prepared. I hope the coming months wont be as painful as I think it could be. To think on the bright side, after those couple month of struggle, I'm done for. No more UPM, no more being a student, no more studies, and get into the real world! However, let's just focus on practicum before thinking too far :P Good luck to me, and all my friends that will undergo the same thing, all the best!

Hatred and grief of betrayal

I've been living until now, hoping for help from others. I lost my own family 5 years ago, and I have been living on my own since then. Without the help of my so called trustworthy friends, I manage to achieve a dream someone like me would forget about a long time ago. I furthered my studies, which I regret on this very moment. How would I know that my trust would be betrayed? All these years, I thought they were sincere in helping me, a hopeless person. Until recently I knew, I was betrayed... They accuse me of not being able to live on my own strength, in the same time saying I'm useless. All that they say, all those accusation, is as if I'm a stupid, hopeless beggar. I couldn't take anymore humiliation to myself, it's as if I was losing myself. I know I'm a poor person, hopelessly without any family to support my life, but I hate it the most when people take me as if I'm a beggar!!!!! What should I say more... Things like this happen... All this brings my head back to where I had doubts in furthering my studies. Back then, I already knew I couldn't make it through but I selfishly took the consequences and followed my hard-headed arrogant mind. Now, it clearly has backfired myself and it's already too late for regret. To take responsibility of my own acts, I have to make a choice between my dream and to live, but how could I still selfishly go for my dream when my life is at stake. It narrows my options, and I have to be able to accept my own fate. The consequences has shown that I need to take an action that I never really wanted on doing, postponing my dream, my studies. I have to leave my dream, for the sake of living. It's not what I really want, but not everyone is so fortunate in this world. There's nobody else for me to look to anymore for help. I already lost my last only option. I have to prove to them that I can live on my own, despite that I have to take it the long way of complete hardship. I rather do all this, than to be further humiliated by the one's I once trusted. Even a "beggar", has it's own pride as human being. All I hope now is that my decision is what is best for me for this time being and it wont backfire me again.

Wanna see me die??

Wanna see me die?? Well I'm not the one wants to die if that's what all of you are thinking. I just watch Coming Soon, a Thailand horror movie. For a person that has no fears for horror movies since I have too much REAL experiences, I think this movie is quite good, compared to Japanese and English horror movies. Got bored with all those similar plain styled Japanese long haired, no faced ghosts. The story line(plot) of the story is quite hard to predict, which is quite rare for me when I watch most horror movies. I never suspected that the story would end like that. It's been a long time since I've watched good horror movies. What makes the movie even better, I had to wait for four days just to download the movie using my slow internet connection just to watch it. even though the wait was long, I find it very worth it. I recommend this movie for all you horror movie fans out there. Peace.

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I'm sick!!!

Yesterday, after being hard headed to myself, wanting to buy cigarettes, even in the storm, I caught a cold, but I thought it would be only temporary because of going through the heavy rain. Today showed me wrong, it got worse, worse than I thought. My flu got worse, in addition to that, I even started coughing and got a sore throat. Good thing I didn't get a high fever, or else, I would be suspected H1N1...Wont want that to happen...

Such a sleepy day...

I had two exam papers for today, grammar and computer application in TESL. I didn't sleep at all the previous night just to study grammar. I was too afraid that I couldn't answer the paper, because I haven't made any earlier preparations. Knowing that today will be a very packed day of class, I had to face the circumstances. Class started at 9am and finally ended at 7.30pm. Normally, a person that undergo something like I did would rationally gone to sleep already, but not for me.. I have a surprise birthday party to attend at 10.30pm. Hopefully after that I can straightly go to sleep. What a day...

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People in my life keep leaving me one after another...

The first most important person in my life that left me was my own mother. Even though 6 years has past since, the impact is clearly until today. I've been left all alone in this world even losing my own family...Without a source of living support, I struggle to continue life despite of me lacking the knowledge of managing my own financial expenses. Despite of not losing my loved ones, I seek for my need of wanting to be loved and cared... Ever since I continued my studies, I've meet a couple of people that cared a  lot about me. Particularly a final year student in my own college. She's more like a big sister to me and I love her so much...but things immediately changed only after a year. She graduated. Once again I've been left all alone... The last moments I had together with her was her convocation day, which was full of sorrow. I couldn't face the fact that she'll be leaving me forever. I won't be getting to see her again. Though she's not even my own sister, but the feeling of losing a loved one is still the same, similarly strong, strong enough to break me down, falling to the ground... But time has past on. I've been continuing my lonely life all alone... by myself... I found a person that became close to me, and she cared for me. It's surprisingly weird knowing that some people would even want to know me, but she did. So I returned the favor by caring for her. Our relationship grew close together and since she's a year younger than me, she became a younger sister to me. To me, I couldn't care for my own sisters, so, I'm returning the favor by caring for her. She often shares her problem with me, no matter if it's her personal matter or not. And I would do all my best to help and ensure her happiness. But everything has it's limits... It turned out that I'm not that significant that I thought I could be to her... Her relationship with her couple cured up. I'm happy with it, in the same time feeling the sorrowfulness gaining back on me. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, but she's slowly leaving me back, and I'm slowly parting away from her attention. I think the time has come... my job here is finished. I've done what I'm supposed to do, and go back to what I'm supposed to be...alone. Things wont stop hitting me on the back, for me not noticing the lost of another significant person in my life, my uncle, the person that cared about me since the day my father left me. The feeling of sorrow is getting worst, the grief...it's equally the same as how guilty I feel not getting the chance to apologize to him. He scolded me ignoring my own father last year, the last moment that I ever saw him. But my ego keeps telling me that no one understands what I'm going through, and why I hate my own father. Now he's gone, never coming back, leaving me in this state, sinned. What have I done to deserve all this? What have I done to be left alone? Am I fated to be alone for the rest of my life...?


This given by an important person...

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Simple guy, seeking the truth of life.

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